FAQ
- What is a Hideous Upright Lizard?
- Where do HULs come from?
- Am I a HUL?
- I seriously think I'm a HUL. What do I do? Should I kill myself now and get it over with?
- What kinds of jobs can a HUL hold down?
- I'm a HUL. Where can I meet other HULs for conversation, heavy petting and long-term friendship?
- Does my tail contain venom-secreting glands?
- Can I learn to control my poisonous tail barbs?
- Can I get my tail amputated?
- How about I just get my venom glands removed?
- Some people claim that HULs are an alien race sent to destroy us all. Is this true?
A Hideous Upright Lizard, or HUL, is a lizard that is bipedal and not what you'd call easy on the eyes. Especially when you see one in an evening gown, which is the traditional HUL dress of males and females.
An experiment at Brookhaven created a brief portal between potential universes. It was a bit discouraging to realize that our own universe had no greater inherent reality than any of the other infinte universes out there, but that disappointment quickly turned to horror when tens of thousands of HULs streamed through the portal, intent on finding great bargains here on Earth-prime. Apparently inflation is a real issue on HUL-Earth. Scientist theorize that HULs evolved from dinosaurs, although almost all HULs sincerely believe that they were created by a Giant Lizard who planted one of His scales in the earth and grew a HUL tree. I know, that's crazy shit. But what are you gonna do?
If you're asking the question, the answer is almost certainly yes.
Life as a HUL on Earth-prime does not present as many options as life for humans does, but in the years since they first settled here, HULs have integrated surprisingly well into human society. It's true that HUL families tend to drive down property values, but that can be attributed to the fact that they're fucking scary looking.
It's no longer a surprise to see HULs preparing your food or working at Best Buy. Many HULs occupy positions in public service, and a few have gone on to do quite well for themselves. The Franklin Mint is staffed and run entirely by HULs.
You can't work this kind of thing out amongst yourselves? As far as we can tell, human and HUL relationships are much the same. During peak seasons, male HULs become sexually aroused by the female's ovipositor, which turns bright red. The female deposits eggs in moist ground, and the male rubs his cloaca over them. Within a few months, a larval sac will sprout from the ground, which may contain up to three offspring. I hear that there are a few nightclubs in major centres these days where young HULs congregate.
Ah hahaha. Yeah, it sure does.
Scientists are not clear on the relationship between your primary brain and the neuronal cluster located near your coccyx, but we do know that in moments of extreme stress (or boredom, as some studies suggest), the brain sends a signal to the tail that causes it to whip back and forth uncontrollably. At the same time, the barbs extend to up to three inches in length, spraying clear neurotoxin from the tip. The venom has a corrosive effect on soft tissues, which reportedly causes an agonizing burning sensation. Once the the toxin encounters a human's bloodstream, the central nervous system begins to shut down, but not before the victim displays classic vomiting-weeping behaviour. Survivors have reported weakness and tingling in their extremities for six months to a year. So in answer to your question, not really.
Studies suggest that the tail and its ancillary 'brain' play a vital role in HUL balance and proprioception. You can get the surgery done, but you will likely never walk upright again. And if you're not upright, what kind of HUL would you be?
No one has survived the procedure. We're talking about the doctors here, not your kind.
You know what? We're tired of torturing you on this topic. Live and let live.
